I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
