My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Vodka?
Forever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
