In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
