He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
