I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
