already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Holy sore nipples Batman
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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