i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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