i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
