i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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