Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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