I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
