I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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