I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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