The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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