$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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