the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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