My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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