I cockslap morals
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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