Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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