Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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