it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
