Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
