zippers are such a cool invention
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
