9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
