Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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