i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
