Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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