The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
