I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
