cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
