All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
