yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
