My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
