She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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