Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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