i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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