i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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