I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
