Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
