I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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