the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
