I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
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I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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