So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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