My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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