How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
