after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
