come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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