Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
