It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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