So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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