I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
