Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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