how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
