Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
