my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
