I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
