How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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