News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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