Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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